Suffering: well, 1) we know it sucks, right? but 2) does it? OK, I'm not posing some philosophical question about a tree falling the woods but I ask you to possibly consider “suffering” whether it be physical, mental or both in a different light. I contend, if you TRULY offer up suffering by laying it at God’s feet, He will share with you certain signs which will 1) sustain you through your hardship and 2) open doors to you of insight, which in the oddest of ways becomes a blessing. Suffering in our human lives cannot COMPARE to the suffering Jesus endured for us at His death. After being BRUTALLY tortured and violently killed, He LITERALLY travelled to hell and back for our souls. Our mere mortal sufferings bring us closer to Jesus by sharing in a fraction of His experience, and in doing so, SHOULD bring us CLOSER to God by sharing in his suffering in this small way.
I’ve shared with you about my son’s illness but if you haven’t heard, in May 2011 my five year old son was diagnosed with stage four cancer. Up until this point in my life, I had ALWAYS thanked God for an incredibly blessed and in fact, EASY life. Other than your everyday events of MINOR hardships, my life had never had to endure a tragedy. People in my family passed at the appropriate ages for the appropriate reasons (no lengthy illnesses or horrible accidents) no terrible financial stresses or anyone with prison records…just a vanilla, easy going life. I have two BEAUTIFUL kids who so far are heading in the right direction…but EASTER WEEK this year, a backache changed this course for us. Three weeks later we were told news of a cancer called Rabdomyosarcoma; his bone marrow packed (to the point where he couldn’t walk), broken vertebrae’s, tumors…For three weeks I slept on a window seat in the children’s hospital racked with worry and grief with a good part of that time being spent holding my sons hand as he writhed in pain. My angelic son was near death. Night after night I barely slept and that seat by the window is where I prayed like I never had before. If there wasn’t someone in the room with me (other than my son) I was either praying or just talking to God and Mary. One night LATE, as I stared at the beige, stark, walls and said the rosary, I had this OVERWHELMING and emotional feeling that I MUST have a statue of Mother Mary in that room with us! She MUST be a visual presence in the room for both my son & myself as a constant reminder that there was someone present who literally knew our pain. I felt as if she was speaking to me, telling me “I understand what you are going through. I watched as my own son was unspeakably tortured and brutally killed and I could do nothing to ease His pain. I am here with you & I will cradle your son.” There were times that I so strongly felt her presence & just KNEW she was there beside my son as he slept. Now, I am not a person who has religious statues throughout my home & I did not own a statue of Mary but at that moment, I e-mailed a friend from that window seat and asked if there was any way she could get a small statue of Mary to the hospital and I would reimburse her. I didn’t care if she was plastic & an inch high. Well, this friend was kind enough to meet my husband the VERY NEXT MORNING at my children’s school and gifted us her OWN, beautiful statue of Our Mother which my husband brought directly to us at the hospital. I felt this urge to say the rosary as often as possible and with that urge came this necessity to ask others to do so as well. I had started a “Caring Bridge” site to keep friends and family updated & on this site I begged people to please say the rosary as often as possible. My children’s school took up saying a daily rosary for him, stories started flooding into me how SO MANY people were saying the rosary on behalf of my son…I was told that a sixth grade class in New England were saying a daily rosary “For a very sick boy in NJ” and that a prayer group which reached as far as Scotland, Spain and Greece were praying for him and that MOST of South America had representatives praying for this kid. I felt like I could literally FEEL all the prayers being said for my son. Through their intercession with God & the saints, these prayers were strengthening my family, and very obviously strengthening my son. It was as if they were calling on "back up" to help to carry the burden. My mere mortal status, could not handle this all by myself. People talk about the "power of prayer" & I'm not 100% certain I TRULY bought into that concept until my entire family was a recipient of it.
One LOUD signal God gave me in answer to my most worrisome question happened one of the nights at that window seat when my cell phone rang. I did not recognized the number & I honestly I don’t even know why I picked up but I did. It wound up being a girlfriend from GRAMMAR SCHOOL that I hadn’t talked to in probably 10 years. She had heard about my son from a mutual friend. Her father was a well known Orthopedic surgeon in a very affluent area of the state and she, herself went on to become a doctor of pharmaceutical research at Pfizer. As one can imagine, when faced with the scenario my family was, one of the biggest fears we could have is “Do we have the right doctors for our son? Is this the right hospital? Etc.” We were at the mercy of the local hospital that we were admitted to. My old friend shared with me that when she heard the news, she felt the least she could do was find out the very best doctors & facility for the kind of cancer our son had in the area. She felt confident in being able to assist us because she personally knew one of the best pediatric oncologists in the country!! What an incredible God send. So she called this doctor & told him our story. The doctor began asking “Now wait, what kind of cancer is it? Who is this kid to you? How do you know this family? This isn’t O. Smith is it?”….the doctor on the other end of the phone was none other than the doctor who admitted my son the very 1st day at our local hospital & was currently treating him. OUR DOCTOR was one of the best pediatric oncologists in the country. AND as rare as my son’s cancer is (less than 100 kids are repoted to get it per year)…this doctor and his team see it & treat it at least twice annually...there was pure hysterical crying & outbursts by me from this revelation. At that very moment I KNEW God had reached out to me and asked me to leave it ALL at his feet. He was YELLING to me that THIS burden of worry, this PART of this horrible experience, was taken care of for me and taken off my plate. I will go to my grave believing that divine intervention took place that night to specifically tell me…”Trust in me” and that is when I began saying the “Divine Mercy” prayer as well because, I did from that moment on “Trust in Him” explicitly. I think people actually thought I was insane, that I was soon to snap because I was so confident about my son, his treatment and his chances of survival. I KNEW God was sharing signs with me to keep me motivated, healthy and happy everyday with my family. This SAME Grammar school friend later shared with me that the trial drug my son was taking was the drug she, herself worked on for some time at Pfizer before she left the company. She was thrilled the drug had made it to trial & that my son was the 45 person to EVER take “her” drug. Another odd twist inserting this random person into my son’s story in regards to his treatment. Another signal from God telling me, that "yes" I was going to have to put the work in for the next year BUT my son was going to be OK. Since those first few weeks, my son has spent more time in the hospital than at our home, receiving in-patient treatments, tests, etc. and I have found myself at that same window seat...alot. Much of my time has been spent in contemplative reflection (the other portion in playing Spider Solitaire on the computer) and in being given so much time to be silent, in thought, has been quite the blessing. Without a doubt, through this personal anguish, God has gifted me with true insight. EVERYTHING seems so clear & put into perspective. My purpose is crystallized. The pursuit of anything in our lives that does not have God as the center of it is hollow and empty. I find it almost eerie that in just realizing what my time in solitary silence has done for me, a few short weeks ago, I read that Pope Benedict is calling for us ALL to bring some silence into our rushed & noisey lives. How silence & reflection in this LOUD, technology filled world is so needed to bring us more in union with God. Huh.
As much as I would have liked to shield my children from having to learn the heavy lesson of how fragile human life is at this tender age (my daughter 7 & son 5), I have seen us ALL grow so much closer, in an unbreakable bond because of it. The kids don’t even realize how, on their own, they have measured the importance of togetherness over modern technology & amenities. Prior to this experience they were pretty normal, average, everyday kids just getting to the age of embracing all the new & fun video game technology this world has to offer…but for the past six months, they have virtually abandon it all and filled the time with each other. What a GIFT! I hear them sharing their feelings openly with each other & I catch them stealing hugs and holding hands. We pray together like we never have before and thank God for sunny days and flashlight tag. Attending Mass as a family (although rare presently due to O's schedule & immune system throwing a wrench into things) is the celebration it was always meant to be.
I just KNOW God has sent me some very special signs to keep my strength in Him (& my son) going over these past months, telling me that all this suffering is teaching us all lessons we would never have learned on our own. Things like, my children are NOT my property. They belong to God. No matter WHAT the outcome of my son’s illness is, it is HIS will. Early on, my mind went to the Bible & thought of Abraham who was willing to offer his only son to God at His request and poor Job who lost EVERYTHING on this earth wealth and family BUT never lost his faith. Now, I sure ain’t no Biblical Prophet or saint but I AM called to TRY and be like them everyday. Last year I read the story of St. Pio, and was amazed. He lived his entire life in both physical & mental anguish, all the time and all in the name of God. Once again, when we approach life with the notion that “God doesn’t need us” I then realize if my son’s passing is God’s will, and if I were to abandon God or grow angry, this would not change God or hurt Him in any way. He would be sadden that He lost me as one of His children who had potential to one day reside with Him sure BUT other than that, what would I accomplish by turning on God? I would ruin EVERY chance of ever being reunited with my son, in heaven. What a defeated act. There is NO accomplishment in anger.
My son spent this past week being poked & prodded in CT scans, PET scans, Bone scans, bone marrow extractions and the like only to find out this Friday that he is in “complete remission.” We are at week 19 of a 52 week regime he must adhere to. We have a very long haul ahead of us that I’m sure will be filled with trials and tribulations (as the first 19 weeks have been.) Yet I look forward to them with joy because I KNOW God has delivered us from this earthly pain (for now.) It's kind of like Purgatory! Even though we are in a fiery, uncomfortable place...we KNOW there is light at the end! And I can only be thankful for all of the many blessings he has showered my family with and the strength he has given us. If we are fortunate enough for O to beat this thing for good…our family’s purpose for ever more, will be, to be to offer strength to others and spread the same message of thanksgiving we have learned. I have always thought that good people suffer on earth so their time in Purgatory is lessened. I was watching a re-run of Mother Angelica on EWTN who echoed this same sentiment. So if there ever is a way to EMBRACE our sufferings, I promise you, God will grant signs which one needs to be open to and aware of and the blessings will be abundant.
One LOUD signal God gave me in answer to my most worrisome question happened one of the nights at that window seat when my cell phone rang. I did not recognized the number & I honestly I don’t even know why I picked up but I did. It wound up being a girlfriend from GRAMMAR SCHOOL that I hadn’t talked to in probably 10 years. She had heard about my son from a mutual friend. Her father was a well known Orthopedic surgeon in a very affluent area of the state and she, herself went on to become a doctor of pharmaceutical research at Pfizer. As one can imagine, when faced with the scenario my family was, one of the biggest fears we could have is “Do we have the right doctors for our son? Is this the right hospital? Etc.” We were at the mercy of the local hospital that we were admitted to. My old friend shared with me that when she heard the news, she felt the least she could do was find out the very best doctors & facility for the kind of cancer our son had in the area. She felt confident in being able to assist us because she personally knew one of the best pediatric oncologists in the country!! What an incredible God send. So she called this doctor & told him our story. The doctor began asking “Now wait, what kind of cancer is it? Who is this kid to you? How do you know this family? This isn’t O. Smith is it?”….the doctor on the other end of the phone was none other than the doctor who admitted my son the very 1st day at our local hospital & was currently treating him. OUR DOCTOR was one of the best pediatric oncologists in the country. AND as rare as my son’s cancer is (less than 100 kids are repoted to get it per year)…this doctor and his team see it & treat it at least twice annually...there was pure hysterical crying & outbursts by me from this revelation. At that very moment I KNEW God had reached out to me and asked me to leave it ALL at his feet. He was YELLING to me that THIS burden of worry, this PART of this horrible experience, was taken care of for me and taken off my plate. I will go to my grave believing that divine intervention took place that night to specifically tell me…”Trust in me” and that is when I began saying the “Divine Mercy” prayer as well because, I did from that moment on “Trust in Him” explicitly. I think people actually thought I was insane, that I was soon to snap because I was so confident about my son, his treatment and his chances of survival. I KNEW God was sharing signs with me to keep me motivated, healthy and happy everyday with my family. This SAME Grammar school friend later shared with me that the trial drug my son was taking was the drug she, herself worked on for some time at Pfizer before she left the company. She was thrilled the drug had made it to trial & that my son was the 45 person to EVER take “her” drug. Another odd twist inserting this random person into my son’s story in regards to his treatment. Another signal from God telling me, that "yes" I was going to have to put the work in for the next year BUT my son was going to be OK. Since those first few weeks, my son has spent more time in the hospital than at our home, receiving in-patient treatments, tests, etc. and I have found myself at that same window seat...alot. Much of my time has been spent in contemplative reflection (the other portion in playing Spider Solitaire on the computer) and in being given so much time to be silent, in thought, has been quite the blessing. Without a doubt, through this personal anguish, God has gifted me with true insight. EVERYTHING seems so clear & put into perspective. My purpose is crystallized. The pursuit of anything in our lives that does not have God as the center of it is hollow and empty. I find it almost eerie that in just realizing what my time in solitary silence has done for me, a few short weeks ago, I read that Pope Benedict is calling for us ALL to bring some silence into our rushed & noisey lives. How silence & reflection in this LOUD, technology filled world is so needed to bring us more in union with God. Huh.
As much as I would have liked to shield my children from having to learn the heavy lesson of how fragile human life is at this tender age (my daughter 7 & son 5), I have seen us ALL grow so much closer, in an unbreakable bond because of it. The kids don’t even realize how, on their own, they have measured the importance of togetherness over modern technology & amenities. Prior to this experience they were pretty normal, average, everyday kids just getting to the age of embracing all the new & fun video game technology this world has to offer…but for the past six months, they have virtually abandon it all and filled the time with each other. What a GIFT! I hear them sharing their feelings openly with each other & I catch them stealing hugs and holding hands. We pray together like we never have before and thank God for sunny days and flashlight tag. Attending Mass as a family (although rare presently due to O's schedule & immune system throwing a wrench into things) is the celebration it was always meant to be.
I just KNOW God has sent me some very special signs to keep my strength in Him (& my son) going over these past months, telling me that all this suffering is teaching us all lessons we would never have learned on our own. Things like, my children are NOT my property. They belong to God. No matter WHAT the outcome of my son’s illness is, it is HIS will. Early on, my mind went to the Bible & thought of Abraham who was willing to offer his only son to God at His request and poor Job who lost EVERYTHING on this earth wealth and family BUT never lost his faith. Now, I sure ain’t no Biblical Prophet or saint but I AM called to TRY and be like them everyday. Last year I read the story of St. Pio, and was amazed. He lived his entire life in both physical & mental anguish, all the time and all in the name of God. Once again, when we approach life with the notion that “God doesn’t need us” I then realize if my son’s passing is God’s will, and if I were to abandon God or grow angry, this would not change God or hurt Him in any way. He would be sadden that He lost me as one of His children who had potential to one day reside with Him sure BUT other than that, what would I accomplish by turning on God? I would ruin EVERY chance of ever being reunited with my son, in heaven. What a defeated act. There is NO accomplishment in anger.
My son spent this past week being poked & prodded in CT scans, PET scans, Bone scans, bone marrow extractions and the like only to find out this Friday that he is in “complete remission.” We are at week 19 of a 52 week regime he must adhere to. We have a very long haul ahead of us that I’m sure will be filled with trials and tribulations (as the first 19 weeks have been.) Yet I look forward to them with joy because I KNOW God has delivered us from this earthly pain (for now.) It's kind of like Purgatory! Even though we are in a fiery, uncomfortable place...we KNOW there is light at the end! And I can only be thankful for all of the many blessings he has showered my family with and the strength he has given us. If we are fortunate enough for O to beat this thing for good…our family’s purpose for ever more, will be, to be to offer strength to others and spread the same message of thanksgiving we have learned. I have always thought that good people suffer on earth so their time in Purgatory is lessened. I was watching a re-run of Mother Angelica on EWTN who echoed this same sentiment. So if there ever is a way to EMBRACE our sufferings, I promise you, God will grant signs which one needs to be open to and aware of and the blessings will be abundant.
Until the next time.
2 comments:
Such an amazing story, Liz! It gave me shivers when I read it! I am so happy that your son's cancer is in remission...God is good :) So many people don't believe in miracles these days, but I do and I know that you do too! God bless you, Liz. I am very glad to have found your blog!
Yes Mary, it REALLY is a crazy roller coaster I'm riding at the present moment. I feel my family is being used a vehicle FOR sure for God. I KNOW we are being called to DO SOMETHING with this experience, something that will help many others and their pathway to God BUT I'm just not 100% sure EXACTLY how He wants to use us yet but I'm sure He will reveal that plan to us once our life enters it's next chapter...thank you for your support Mary!
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